Johnny Malgas

It was as if he heard the last laugh as soon as he left the gates of that institution. He still tasted the bitterness of the pills in his mouth, but he knew that he was free. Free from the white cloaks and the noises that kept him up night after night. He wondered how he ever survived it, but knew that his exit would be permanent. He waited for about five minutes before the taxi arrived. He found himself staring at his reflection in the taxi window when the driver suddenly urged him to get in. He had no idea where he was going, but luckily the driver knew. He licked over his lip and still found the bitter taste forcing him back to the days when he entered that God-Forsaken place.

He remembered as he entered the building and the huge automatic doors swallowed him whole. Slowly, without his knowledge, starting to digest. He was lured in by the shiny windows and flatscreen televisions on the walls. He felt as if he was in the presence of something special. A fly euphorically dancing in the mouth of the flytrap! He seemed to enjoy the sense of professionalism. This was quite funny seeing that he hated the principle of professionalism. He hated how people could trade their souls in order to become distant robots delivering on every demand. Judging , assessing and measuring without using their own intuition, but merely a fear fuelled format. Doing what needs to be done it order to accomplish what needs to be accomplished. Tasks that need to be done in a certain way, in a certain order to produce a result that means absolutely nothing in the greater scheme of things. That’s how much he hated conformity, but here he stood with a sense of accomplishment in an environment where he might change someone’s life. Or so he thought.

He looked at the reflection of the reception window as he announced his arrival and saw a young man, with nothing to lose and not too bothered about what he might gain.

“Hello, my name is Matt, I am from the agency. I am supposed to meet with a Mrs Walker.” He said with his shy undertone. “O...right, just wait here for a minute I’ll go and see if I can get her.” The stocky, overweight little lady got up from behind her desk and left the room, leaving him staring at the bare walls. He wondered why they had no pictures or paintings on the walls, but his thoughts were quickly interrupted when one of the cleaners entered the room. Matt found it difficult to understand why the cleaner would be cleaning so early in the morning and when everybody was already in for the day’s work. He always thought that cleaners will clean at the end of the day. “Morning, Morning. You must be Matt then. I am Joseph. Joseph Nepart. I’ve been working here for the last eighteen years. Loving every moment of it. First one in last one out. Everyday for the past eighteen years, but I said that already. Or did I? O well anyhow, welcome, welcome!” Joseph left the room before Matt could say anything. Baffled, he stood there wondering how the cleaner knew his name and what he was on about. At least he was friendly he thought. Such a lust for life at his age, he thought. This brought him to the realisation that most people who seem to be short of skill or intelligence in terms of the sinners - Professionalism, career and money – seem to be the absolutely gifted in the art of happiness. Although he knew that this argument he just created might be widely debated as absolute rubbish he accepted it as his truth as he looked at his watch. Still waiting for the old lady to return. Joseph would prove to be the start of the most important events Matt would ever face.

As he sits in the cab with Joseph’s memories in his head, he leans back looking out the back of the cab’s window. He sees a lonely bird flapping in the terrible weather outside. “So even though you have wings and you can fly, does not mean you’re able to get away from this place then...” The cab driver looks back and Matt realises that he just spoke out loud. The taxi driver seems to have something familiar in his eyes and Matt finds it peculiar that he taxi driver resembles someone he might have known in the past. As the driver makes a sharp turn, Matt is somewhat flung to the side. With this his eye catches a line of washing flapping in the wind. The white sheet is barely hanging on and this takes him back to when he first saw her.

While he was waiting, still a bit baffled about the cleaner with all his knowledge, she passed the room. She was dressed in white and floated down the corridor. He couldn’t quite make out what she looked like, but something just made him pop his head out the door to have another look. It was with this that the old lady returned. “Sorry to keep you waiting. They will see you know.” She said whilst she started to organize loose papers on her desk. Matt was waiting for the lady to tell him more, seeing that he has no idea how to find his own way in this huge building.

“Uhm.. excuse me, are they going to meet me down here?” he asked a bit annoyed, but his new found professionalism forced a polite tone.

“Oh no, you have to go up to the office” she said without looking at him.

“And where exactly would that be?”

“You know...”

“No I don’t know” he interrupts.

“Oh let me show you then...” she said as she got up from her chair with an annoyed grunt.

“Follow me”

Matt was finding this woman very bizarre. This whole encounter started to feel a bit out of the ordinary. More than a bit he thought. First the cleaner and now this strange behaviour from the receptionist. Receptionist. From the word reception, he thought. It is suppose to be a warm welcome. Making you feel that you are in safe hands. Everything this weird encounter has not been. A nice little contrast between her and the cleaner, he thought. She’s probably been here for just as long as he has and hated every moment of it. To scared to get out and to pursue her true calling. The result being a sad, overweight and pre-occupied professional receptionist. He follows her up the stairs and tries not to look at her wobbling behind as she moved up the flight of stairs. “The lift is broken. They will only come and fix it tomorrow. That is if they even show up this time.” she said with a hint of exhaustion. “Ahh that explains a lot.” he said with a bit of a chuckle.

“What do you mean by that?” she asked knowing exactly what he meant.

“I was just wondering why we took the stairs, seeing that this is such a modern building.” He quickly covered. “But a bit of exercise never did anyone any harm.”

She looked back, but with a funny grin. Nothing like he expected. He expected the annoyed look he saw earlier, but instead she looked at him like she has heard it all before. She probably has, he thought as they went up the final flight of stairs. She shoved open the firedoor and held it open for him.

“Just have a seat over here” she said and entered the office. The plaque on the door read. Mrs J.L Walker, Senior Manager. Matt found it funny that he had to wait again. He just spend ten minutes staring at bare walls downstairs and now he finds himself waiting again, staring at a kitsch painting of a crying boy. The teardrop shining on his cheek. The uninfluenced honesty of his feelings shown to the world. Not hidden away in the name of keeping up appearances, but out there. Not even as a cry for help or indication for anyone on the outside to respond, but just pure emotion as it is. Uncapped, unspoiled and pure. The picture lured him in and he found himself studying it intensely. He felt a bond with this dreary looking boy and felt stupid for being drawn in by the painting you see in every hospice of government office. Matt had to look away when he heard whistling coming up the stairs. He first saw the brown boots lurking around the corner, then the faded blue overall. He saw the worn cap coming around the corner and then recognised the face. Joseph walked straight passed winking at Matt.

“Are you hanging in there then?” Joseph asked as he went passed.

Matt took a while to answer. “Urr, yeah I guess? What do you actually mean by that? And yeah, how do you know my name?” Matt realised that he just asked more questions in stead of giving an answer to a question he couldn’t even answer anyway. Joseph slipped around the corner without responding. Matt found himself staring down the corridor waiting for a reply, but for some strange reason he knew the silence would be his only response. He was slowly getting very annoyed and impatient. He wondered why it took him so long to become annoyed with poor service and the fact that he has been waiting for ages. His hand automatically went to his pocket and he felt the edges of a pill container. He took it out and emptied the last pill into his palm. He swallowed it without water as if it was second nature.

The driver brings the taxi to a halt at the red light. Matt sees strings of cars flashing past. A long silence rings in the taxi. He can see how the driver take quick sneak peeks at him in the rear mirror. Eye contact quickly breaking every time Matt looks back. After another quick eye contact Matt can’t bear it any longer.

“So where are we going?” he asks, leaning forward grabbing hold of the passenger seat to support himself.

“50 Victoria Road” the driver says after having a quick look at the meter.

“Who told you to take me to that address?”

“A Mrs Walker…Wilson, uhmm, yeah it was definitely a Mrs Walker.” The driver answers.

As he sat with the bitter taste of the pill he just swallowed still clinging to his palate. He heard voices from behind the door. He found himself to be a bit more relaxed and didn’t mind to wait a bit longer. He just found a comfortable position in the chair and was enjoying his little aesthetic outburst towards the Bragolin painting. The door swung open and the old lady made her presence felt once more.

“Mrs Walker said that she weren’t expecting you today, but you can go through. She will see you now.”

Matt now started to hate the fact that he has been made to feel so unwelcome. “Oh well, thank you very much.” He answered in a sarcastically polite tone. He took a last look at the painting and slipped into the office. “Good afternoon Mr Green.” Mrs Walker said from behind her desk. She was a middle-aged woman. If Matt had to guess he would say she was about 45. Give or take a few years. She had a newly coloured head of hair and this made her face look a bit pale and a bit intimidating. Her dark brown eyes looked straight through him and he could feel how he shrunk in her presence. It was as if they had met in a previous life where she defeated him in a major emotional battle. As if she tore every bit of his soul from his chest and stamped on it with her high heeled shoes. It was like she knew it here where she sits behind her modern desk.

“So Mr Green. Why do you look so tense? You can have a seat you know.”

Matt looked around the room and took a seat on the uncomfortable chair, which obviously made her look even bigger and more daunting that she was when he stood.

“Good afternoon Mrs Walker.” He managed to get out, trying not to show any sign of fear. Even if he felt that he wanted to get up and leave the office as quickly as he could. He couldn’t bare her icy glair. He wondered if she practised this look in front of a mirror or if she just has an evil look. Did she look at her lover in the same way? Does she use her glair to overpower anyone who disagrees with her? If they would dare to disagree with her, that is.

“So how can I help you today?” She asked keeping her eyes fixed on his.

“We had an appointment for three o’clock” he said opening his dairy he had clinched in his hand.

“Oh is that so?” she answered

“Let me just have a look in my dairy. I can’t see anything for today? Are you one hundred percent sure that we had an appointment Mr Green?” She put extra emphasis on the ‘one hundred percent’”

“Yes it says it right here.” He pointed to his dairy. He felt himself acting like a little boy trying to convince his mom that he did his homework.

“No, no you must have made a mistake.” She said sounded totally convinced that she was in the right.

“No I did not make a mistake. I spoke to you on the phone yesterday confirming our date for the 21^st of May.” Matt said in his most professional voice, but he knew he sounded anxious.

“Ok just let me have a look in my meeting book.” She said opening her top drawer.

Matt wondered why she didn’t look in the meeting book in the first place. But that came second to her confusing loss of short term memory. How couldn’t she remember the phone call? She surely can’t be that busy. And seeing that this is it he most important meeting of his life, how can he be made to feel so unwelcome and uncomfortable. This was not how he imagined it at all. He was starting to feel as if he was losing control over the situation and that everything was turning pear shaped. Maybe it will be in the meeting book and then he can get this whole meeting back on track. He knew he was well prepared and could deliver his speech quite fluently if he was given the opportunity.

“Aah lets see” She said paging to the date Matt mentioned.

“Mmmmm, I can’t find anything here. Oh, hang on... wait a minute...what is this?”

Matt started to feel better knowing that she must have found the entry. He knew what he was talking about and she wasn’t going to prove him wrong.

“Oh no it’s just a birthday entry for my little niece. I should actually phone her. So if you would excuse me...” she said whilst looking straight at him challenging him to say anything.

Matt took the challenge and was determined to deal with the poor attitude. “Mrs Walker” He said in the most assertive tone he could manage. “I am actually shocked with the terrible service I received. I have waited 45 minutes to actually get some help. I then have to be told that a birthday entry of your niece keeps me from delivering my speech. A fucking disgrace...”

Matt could feel how his blood started to boil. Was she toying with him? Why would she have a birthday entry in her meeting book? Why would she speak to him in that tone? Why did she have that challenging grin on her face? He put his hand in his pocket, automatically feeling for his pills, but the container was empty. He could feel a bundle of uncontrollable thoughts surfacing. He could feel how it came straight from his stomach. Slowly creeping through his chest, climbing into his throat. Causing pain as it crept higher, gripping to his chin and running over his face.

“Excuse me Mr Green, how dare you...” Mrs Walker tried to intervene.

“How dare you!!?” Matt interrupted and he felt that things escalated way too fast and that he lost total control of the situation!

“You are all the same. You sit here in your offices, pretending to be the mastermind behind anything that goes on in the organization. You go to your fancy get togethers and laugh out loud at jokes that’s not funny at all. You sell people with the fake roles you play. You promise people the world. You satisfy them in your offices and you forget about them the moment they set foot out the door. Why the hell you didn’t try to satisfy me is a mystery, but that does not change the fact that you are all liars. Creating the illusion that you care...”

All of a sudden Matt realises that he has been ranting on and on. This isn’t me he thought. He stopped talking and just looked down. He felt somewhat embarrassed, but then the rage cam from absolutely nowhere. No warning, no feeling of it creeping up in his chest. It just came rumbling up. Ripping apart any barriers there could have been. All the stops were out, as if they never even existed. Like a light bulb switching on with the flick of a switch it was just all over him. He felt himself getting up from his chair. He felt how his arm wiped of all the stationary from her desk. He felt how his elbow hit the monitor of the computer on the desk. He saw it crashing to the ground and then he saw the fear in her eyes as he grabbed hold of her throat. Her manipulative look were absent as if it was never there. All that was left was a pleading fearful look. Matt froze at the sight of her pleading eyes and let go of her throat immediately. He stumbled over the broken monitor as he stepped back, falling against the wall, knocking a fase from the little table.

The driver looks at the meter once more and has a worried look on his face. “Do you have any money on you?” he asks Matt who is lost staring out of the window.

“Hey, do you have any money on you?” the driver asks again. Matt looks up.

“Why?”

“It seems like the fare might be a bit more than I thought it would be.” The driver asks while looking at Matt in the rear view mirror. Matt turns his head, making eye contact with the driver.

“And how is that my problem?”

“Mrs Walker didn’t give me enough money to take you all the way then. I might have to drop you of at the next stop.” The driver sais while looking at the road.

Matt can’t believe his ears.

“Are you fucking serious mate?”

“Unfortunately I am.” The driver says and Matt can see the serious expression on his face. His left eye squinting, just a bit.

“Yeah sure, and the next thing you will probably say, is that you’re just doing your job!?.” Matt knows that he is being challenging, but it is as if he is being driven by something outside of himself. He’s hopes that the driver will give him a sensible answer and that he will show that he at least have some intelligence. Not just any intelligence, but the sort Matt is after. The type of intelligence that leads you or rather forces you to pursue truth. The type of intelligence that might make you end up in a mad house.

“Actually I’m not just doing a job. I am playing the game. And Even though it might seem like a meaningless existence, this is how I chose to play the game Mr Green.”

These words makes Matt warm inside and he can’t resist responding with a slight grin and leans forward.

“So you know it’s a game then!”

The driver looks at him in the rear view mirror and adjusts himself by supporting himself on the steering wheel. He has a grin from ear to ear.

“You know what the difference between me and you are Mr Green?” he asks while wiping his hand across his face. “We both know it’s a game, but I’ve learned the rules a long time ago. I know the shortcuts, I know how to cheat. I know how to play this beautiful game, but you...” He pauses for a while, clearing his throat. “You’re different. You know it’s a game, but you refuse to play it. You want to study it, find out why it’s played. Who makes the rules? You’re trying to figure this out without playing the game. You’re on the sideline and it’s driving you crazy...”

A minute or two passes without words being said when the cab came to a halt. Matt is dumbstruck. The driver’s words cut like a sharp truthful blade. Dissecting his very core.

“So. Do you have extra money on you or do I have to drop you here?” The driver asks.

Matt is somewhat confused. He felt a bit of a connection with the driver. A newfound respect for the man who just gave him the best platform for a discussion he thrives on. He thought the driver would at least give him a chance to respond to his earlier words. Matt puts his hands in his pocket. He has no intention of getting out in this neighbourhood and he has no intention of saying goodbye to the driver or ending this discussion. Even thought it might have ended already! He feels the edges of his pill container and automatically takes it out emptying it into his palm. Six one pound coins shines in his hand. He hands it to the driver.

“Is that enough then?” he asks. He lost all his arrogance from a few minutes earlier.

The driver takes the money and points at the meter. “Level one completed” he says putting the money in the small little cash register which is firmly attached to his belt. Matt looks at the meter reading. It says £6.00 exactly. Matt is somewhat astounded by what just happened, but he is so intrigued by the idea of a conversation with the driver that he started talking without really thinking about it.

“So how come you know so much about me or do you just say stuff like this to all of your clients when you need extra money?” Matt asks the question whilst smiling and expecting a friendly response seeing that the driver showed some interest in him earlier. No answer comes from the driver as he stares straight in front of him. Matt repeats the question, but the driver just ignores him again.

“Aren’t you going to answer me?” Matt asked.

No reply comes from the driver.

“Hey!! Excuse me! What’s going on! Why won’t you answer me?”

The driver makes a turn and accelerates into a long stretch of road. He clears his throat but no response comes from him. Matt hates that he has no control over the situation. He remembers how he was told to stay calm when situations like these arise. He wants to control himself, but the urge to act is much bigger. He wants to tell him to stop the car and answer him, but he knows that he is vulnerable and dependant on the driver to take him to his unknown destination. Known only as 50 Victoria road. He sticks his hand in his pocket grabbing hold of his pills and enjoys the effect of the bitter taste in his mouth. He sits back in his seat and stares out of the car window looking past his own reflection. The car comes to a halt and the driver’s words flows like water in a desert.

“There we go. This is it. This is the woman you should ask for!” The driver says while handing him a piece of scrunched up paper. Matt unfolds the sorry piece of paper and reads: moet uit kom!

As his back hit the wall he could feel the emotion subsiding, but only to slightly underneath his chin. He knew that it would come back. He knew that the slightest movement from anyone in the office would trigger him to lose total control. It was as if Mrs Walker knew this as well. She stood motionless, not even stroking the skin of her neck which was red from the impact of his strong hands. She was breathing heavily, staring at him. Trying not to look scared, In fact, it looked like her assertive glare was starting to return. Both of them just stood there for a few minutes, not moving. Mrs Walker, because she knew she should’nt and Matt because he couldn’t. He could feel her heavy breathing as if she was blowing in his direction. Mrs Walker slowly moved closer to her desk. She picked up her chair and took a seat. Slowly. She seemed very calm and this made Matt feel uneasy.

“Would you mind to take a seat Mr Green?” She said in her newly founds cool and collective tone.

Matt could feel how she melted his icy look and he could feel how he slowly sank into the uncomfortable chair. Mrs Walker shifted her chair closer to her desk and slid her hand underneath the desk and without Matt realising she pressed the Panic Button.

“I’m really...” Matt tries to explain before he is interrupted by now a very sweet and loving voice of Mrs Walker.

“No worries Mr Green. These things happen. We are all human after all. You have nothing to worry about. Let me hear what you have to say then Mr Green.”

Matt picked up his briefcase from the floor. He looked past the broken vase and monitor that lies on the floor. He tries to ignore it. He has just been granted the opportunity that was non existent a few minutes earlier. He wasn’t going to let anything take it away again. Not even the destroyed office he now found himself in. He put his briefcase on his lap slowly feeling the combination. 743 appears on the padlock. He heard the briefcase clip and opened it. Matt went cold when he looked in the briefcase. Neatly folded he saw a pair of underwear and socks. Next to that he saw a can of deodorant, a toothbrush and toothpaste. Matt stared at the toiletries, speechless. He closed the top of the briefcase and looked back at Mrs walker. (HE can’t remember the combination!!!!!!!!)

“Do you now know why you are here, Mr Green?” She asked while sitting back in her comfortable chair.

“No I don’t. What is going on here? What game are you guys playing?” Matt could feel how his hand started to shiver. He struggled to hold it still, but grabbed hold to his knee.

“If you can just relax Mr Green, I can explain...”

It was with this that the door swung open and two big men stood in the door. Dressed in lightblue overalls. Without any hesitation they grabbed hold of Matt. One on each side of him. They were obviously trained because their grip left Matt feeling helpless.

“What are you doing?” He shouted.

“Let go of me! Let go of me. Please?.” The lowering of his voice didn’t seem to help at all.

“I thought you were going to explain!? Why are you doing this to me? Why?” Matt could feel the panic overtaking his whole body. He struggled to hide it. His whole body portrayed a scared and out of control helpless man.

“They won’t hurt you. Just let them take you to your room. Just relax Mr Green. Everything will be explained to you in the morning?”

“In the morning? I’m not going to be here in the morning! I have to go home! Where do you get the idea I’ll be here in the morning. Let go of me!” Matt started to struggle, he tried to get himself out of the strong grip, but the two men just held on tighter!

“You are not going anywhere mate.” One of the men said.

Mrs Walker was quick to silent him “Hey, you know you’re not suppose to talk to the patients. This has nothing to do with you. Just do your job and take him to his room.”

Matt’s thoughts ran wild. He tried to retrace his steps and everything that might have happened in the last few days, But his mind was blank. He can only remember that he came in to deliver the most important speech of his life, but now that he thought of it he couldn’t even remember what the speech was about? Now that he thought of it, he couldn’t remember anything from before the huge doors swallowed him. He was forced along the corridor into a small room. He struggled all the way as the fear totally overtook him, but he had no chance to get out of the ever tightening grip. They took him into small room and forced him do lie down on a small bed in the corner of the room. AS soon as they loosened their grip, Matt took his chance. He knew he had to get out! But as soon as he tried to get up they were upon him. He felt a slight prick in his upper arm and things started to become out of control. He could hear the voices of the two big men, but it was slurred speech. He lost focus and everything he saw started to run like water. It was as if he looked at a oil painting that was dripping to the floor. Everything started to become distorted and he could feel how his face got hotter and hotter and then blackness!

The buzz of silence can sometimes become so loud that it has to wake you. That it has to irritate your ears and ring through the centre of your brain. As if it is to tickle you to move or to break the silence. Matt became aware of his surroundings slowly. His first point of focus was the ceiling. A sterile whiteness that made him sick to his stomach. He panned down to the floor and became aware of the walls. Nothing on them. His eyes wondered around the room and he saw a lonely desk and chair in the one corner. Next to that was the edges of a basin. He saw no mirror above it. The sorry excuse for a bed he was sitting on was covered with a light blue cover. The abbreviation PCMHF was printed all over in little crosses. Matt found himself to be very relaxed and contempt with these bleak surroundings and with no distraction in his room he started to track the events that lead him to be where he found himself now. He remembers the two men and the struggle in the small room, he remembers Mrs Walker’s challenging face and the incident in her office. He remembered how he entered the foyer and his brief discussion with the old, overweight lady. He remembers closing the Taxi door and standing in front of the Peter Collier Mental Health Facility with the important speech that had to be delivered. He remembers... nothing else. He tries to stretch, bend and fold his mind, but it stays blank. Like a lock on an old rusty door. There is no way around it. He tries to play back everything in reverse to try and carve something in the rusty door. Nothing! He can’t seem to make any vivid conclusions. Everything is just a black hole in the middle of nothing. Matt was a bit too relaxed to pursue his memory quest and the tiredness overtook him. He could feel how his head was getting heavier and heavier and how the sleep crept in again. He found himself drifting in and out of consciousness and he could feel the tiredness throughout his whole body every time he woke up. He finally found himself staring at the ceiling. He lied motionless staring at the blank ceiling for ages just to make sure that he was truly awake. His eyes drifted down to the handle of the door when he heard it turn. He still found himself to be very relaxed and did’nt even get up when he saw the woman enter the room.

“How are we feeling this morning? I’m just checking to see if you slept okay.” she says with her back turned towards him. Her voice comes like a soft breeze stroking his face. “

Her words seem to fit in perfectly with his relaxed state.

“I’m ok thank you” he says while folding his arms behind his head. He was very comfortable in his newly found position. He must still have been a bit sleepy, but as soon as she turned around it all changed. All his fears and anxiety raced back into him. A swarm of misguided emotions returning to fill his chest. He sat up looking straight at her. The fact that she looked terribly familiar came second to his realisation of his surroundings.

“What I’m doing in here!? I want to go home now”. He got up and charged for the door, but it was locked tight. He turned around and looked straight at the her.

“Please Matt... Please Mr. Green. Just sit down. You have nothing to worry about. Everything will be explained to you. Your session is in about twenty minutes.” Her voice melts his very core.

“What session? What is going on? Just tell me. If you say that I have nothing to worry about, you must surely know what’s going on. Just please tell me. Why are you keeping me in the dark, for fuck sakes!?” He turns around and bangs his hands against the door, but only once. Then he rests his head against the door. He is too tired to put up much more of a fight.

He thought he heard her approach him and he expected to feel a comforting hand on his back. He had no idea why he expected a bizarre event like that. Maybe that’s what he wanted, someone to comfort him. But for some reason he knew that he wasn’t in a place where this would happen, even though he didn’t even know why he was there. He turned around and needed to take a seat on the end of the bed.

“I know this can’t be easy for you and I hate to see you here, just as much as you hate being in this situation now. You have no idea how much I hate to see you here.”

She left the room as if she had to keep something from him. Matt didn’t respon to her, but wondered why she was so upset that he was there. This made him wonder why she looked so familiar. His thoughts about her quickly led to the more important question bouncing around in his empty head.

“What I am doing here?” he whispered to himself whilst sitting with his head in his hands.

Matt tried once more to retrace his steps, but came to the same conclusion time after time. He can only remember standing in front of the building. He tries a bit harder and can only get himself to remember tipping the cab driver. He can remember that he was in a very good mood. There was something very important about his visit to this building. He knew he had something very special to do or achieve. If he could just remember the speech he had prepared. It felt like his mind was toying with him, just letting him remember enough to keep him thinking. To keep him reaching deeper and deeper into a very, very black hole. He would rather choose to remember absolutely nothing than to be stuck with this small, but very vivid piece of memory.

It thoughts was quickly interrupted like they always seem to e recently when the door opened again. It was Mrs Walker. Matt got up when he saw her. He decided to try and remain calm seeing that his previous outbursts led him to be stuck in this small room.

“Matt. How are you?” she said with a serious but caring tone.

“I’m not well at all. I have absolutely no idea what’s happening here and I can’t seem to remember...”

He saw here shaking her head as she looked at a clipboard she was holding.

“Come with me please. Can I trust you to remain calm? I don’t want yesterday’s little episode to repeat itself.” Mrs Walker had a much more relaxed and caring attitude towards him and he could feel that something was different from their previous meeting.

“Yes.” Matt was too tired anyway to try something and that wouldn’t help him to remember anything. HE was now hoping that someone could help him and tell him what was going on.

“Okay then. Follow me.”

When they left the room and turned into the corridor, Matt could see that he was in a older part of the modern building. This must have been part of a older or maybe the original building before it was upgraded. He was’nt in a patient ward like he thought. There was no rows of doors like he thought it would be when he was stuck in the little room. Instead he saw a short corridor leading past a door that must have been a handicap toilet. Then passed a two more toilet doors. One with the little a male sign and the other with the female sign. After that they passed what seemed like a meeting or board room. They turned a corner and Matt recognised the stairs that leads up to Mrs Walker’s office. They went up the stairs. Matt struggled up the stairs and thought he now knew how the receptionist must have felt when she brought him up here the first time. It feels so long ago. Just like anything will seem long ago if it was the first event of your life you could remember. It’s one of the only things he now remembers.

They reached her office and she held the door open for him. Take a seat. She said while sitting down herself, lifting the top sheet of the clipboard. She clears her throat.

“Okay Mr Green or do you mind if I call you Matt.”

“Not at all” He felt much more at ease when things were a bit more informal.

She handed him a piece of documentation. “Please have a look at this, it might be the best way to start this off. I never thought we would go through this, but have a look.”

Matt takes a look at the patient form and saw his name at the top of the page.

“You can’t just book me in as a patient. That wasn’t why I came here for...”

Mrs Walker interrupts him before he can say anything else. “I’t not a current patient form Matt. Take another look.”

At the bottom of the form Matt saw his signature. Signed 21February 2009.

Matt was stunned. He sat in silence trying to get his head around it.

“How can this be? I can’t remember...” he said still holding on to the piece of paper.

“So you don’t remember? I hoped this would refresh your memory.” She held out her hand waiting for Matt to hand back the form. Matt hesitated and slid the piece of paper back to her.

“Can you please explain to me what’s happening.” Matt sounded desperate. He almost pleaded, but at least held on to the last bit of integrity he had left.

“You came to us three months ago. Suffering from a condition we are still struggling to understand. You were the first case with these specific symptoms and as we are a newly refurbished unit we were keen to take you in to learn more about your condition, but when you made a full and proper recovery, we came to the conclusion that it might have been an isolated incident caused by social stress factors. And when we heard about what happened to you we were certain that it was the case.”

“What condition? What was ... or is wrong with me? What happened to me?”

“You really can’t remember anything? When you came to us the first time you could at least remember what happened to you just before the incident took place.”

“No I really can’t” Matt said sounding a bit anxious.

“How are you feeling right now? I don’t want to upset you.”

Matt almost interrupted her with his anxious voice. “I’m fine, I’m fine. I just want to know the truth. You can’t upset me much more.”

“You were sent to us on a court order. You tried to strangle you ex-boss...”

“I tried to do what?” Matt squinted his eyes and looked down at the desk.

“You had no memory of it. You could’nt even recall your address or date of birth. All they could get from you was your name and surname. We did’nt know the exact details of the incident at the time. But when you were starting to show positive progress you wrote a complete incident report of what happened in that office. We could use your report to convince the court that it was an isolated incident.”

Mrs Walker continued: “You could only leave the facility on one condition. You signed an off-site support contract. Meaning that you had to keep contact with us. One phone call a day and any scheduled meetings if you felt you were struggling and when you came in yesterday I couldn’t believe you bizarre behaviour. You didn’t recognize any of us...”

Could this be why he came in yesterday? Was he struggling to cope? He was so sure that he came in for another reason. He was excited about it. He was motivated and knew that a life-changing event would take place. He wouldn’t have felt like that if he were coming in because he was struggling. He came in for something much more.

His thoughts are interrupted once more when Mrs Walker placed the contract infront of him. He takes a look and could feel the chills as he saw everything she just stated. Every section signed Matthew Green. He could feel tears building behind his eyes. Yesterday he was so motivated with a life-changing event waiting on him. If he could just remember why he came in. He knew he was’nt struggling. He knew it.

“Can I see the incident report I wrote?” Matt asked as if he was totally defeated.

Mrs Walker paged through the papers in front of her. She fiddles then looks at the computer screen that has been replaced since the events that happened in the office the days before. After a click or two Matt can hear the noise of the printer producing his manifest.

“ I really hope this will get you to remember something.” She says in a motherly voice. Matt felt comforted by her gentle approach and took the piece of paper without saying a word.

Incident Report: Mr Matthew Green. 15 March 2009

I walked into Mr Connoly’s office to hand in my notice. I had enough of that place. I couldn’t bare it in there for a minute longer. I knocked on the office door and I could see him sitting behind his desk through the fire window. He ignored my knocking and just kept staring at the newspaper he had in front of him. I knocked again and he looked up, but then just went straight back to reading his newspaper. I opened the door and went into the office. He said that he was busy and that he couldn’t speak to me. I could see that he wasn’t busy at all so decided to stay in the office and do what I was there to do. I told him that I was handing in my notice and that I’m done with that place. He wanted to know my reasons for leaving and told him it was because of poor management and just the over all state of the department. He sat back and used cunning words to try and make it look like I was part of the problem. He said “You know, If you have such a problem with the depoartment, why did’nt you do your job and improve it?” I tried to explain that it wasn’t a personal matter and that I just wanted out. He had a grin ojn his face and said. You know I will give you a terrible reference if you leave now. I wondered why he was acting in such a way. I tried to contain myself and just turned around saying. “well you have my notice” As i left the room, I could see him open the envelope. He took out the letter and read it briefly, then tore it up and chucked it in the bin. I couldn’t bear it any longer I went back into the room and grabbed him by his collar. We struggled for a while, then we both fell to the floor. I then realised that I was in the wrong for attacking him and backed down. I said that i was really sorry and left the office and the premises and went home. As I left the office I could hear him calling for security. I did not strangle him. I did not strangle him. I did not strangle him.

Matt sat for a while after reading the report. He could not remember one bit of this. He sat with his head in his hands and mumbled “I dó need help!”

The sun wakes him up. It shoots through the window into his face. Not the best way to wake up if you don’t have any curtains to draw. It has been five days since Matt entered the facility and he was slowly but surely getting use to the routine. He still couldn’t remember much, but he was making progress according to the class facilitators. He heard the door open and he saw her again, just like he saw her for the last four days. Every morning she brought in a tray with pills and a glass of water. She didn’t say anything. It was as if she was waiting for him to say something first. But he never did. He just enjoyed her aura and her presence the morning made him feel awake. She looked over her shoulder as she left the room and gave him a sad smile. There was something in her eyes. As if she was screaming something from behind them. AS she closed the door and he heard the click he got up and took a look at the pills in the tray. He took the two pills and almost choked on the bitter taste it left in his mouth.

He knew he had about fifteen minutes before he had to go for his daily check-up. He got dressed. He loved the fact that he could dress in his own clothes. For some reason he thought he had to dress in a hospital gown when Mr Walker told him they had to take him in again. He was still confused, but the pills levelled him out and he had the patience to work through it all until he regained his memory. This was probably the progress the facilitators were talking about. He waited to be collected. When the door opened he was somewhat stunned. It wasn’t Mrs Walker like he expected, but it was her again. His morning-pill girl. She would have to talk to him and he would have to acknowledge her presence as well. His confusion rolled out of his mouth.

“Where is Mrs Walker?” Matt asked.

“You were handed over to me from today until your release. She only fetched you in the mornings to make sure you’re okay. She said that you are coping quite nicely.” She answered in her soft and light accent whilst giving him a sweet, but professional smile.

She had her burgandy hair up. Her petite body fitted perfectly into her white uniform. She had the most amazing lips. His eyes panned down and he became aware of her light skin and her hands. She wasn’t wearing any make-up, because she had no need to. No jewellery except from a wedding ring on her finger.

He felt safe with her and with the nod of the head and an “Ok then.” He got up and followed her. They walked up the stairs and down a long corridor.

“I’m Matt by the way, but you obviously know that. Apparently I was here before” he said

“I know, nice to meet you again. I’m Robin. I was hoping you would remember me.” She said in her shy voice.

“So you were here when I came in last time?” Matt asked

“Yes. You made quite an impression on everyone here!”

“A good one I hope?”

“A very good one” she smiled.

She opened the door and let him in the room. He normally had all his morning sessions in the small meeting room next to Mrs. Walker’s office, but it seems like that has changed. Matt was used to being a bit confused due to poor communication from Mrs Walker. The room looked a lot more inviting then the rest of the building. The clinical technological feel has been covered up by intentional interior decoration. Motivational posters framed in dark and heavy frames. In the corner was a indoor plant with huge green leaves in a bulky pot. The desk was huge and minimalistic. In the opposite side of the room was comfortable sofas and a coffee table with beautiful vase filled with what seemed to be marbles.

“Just have a seat over there. I will tell them you are here.” Robin said and looked at him for a while. Matt couldn’t help to hear the sad tone in her voice and see the anxious look in her eyes. Was she trying to tell him something? The way she looked at him cut straight through him. She was longing for him to say something. It was so clear to see in her eyes. Not just her eyes, but in every movement she made.

She suddenly looked away and left the room leaving Matt with more and more questions.

Matt started to look forward to his mornings when she came to collect him. He tried to look for new hints every morning. He tried to figure out what she was trying to say from behind her green eyes. But he played it safe. He never started a conversation. He didn’t want to scare her off, by asking crazy questions. He was after all a patient in a mental facility and he wouldn’t want to give anyone any reasons to believe that he belonged there. Some mornings she would come into the room without looking at him. She would sort the medication on the little table and leave the room in a hurry as if she was scared of him. Matt thought this to be the case, but other mornings she would start a conversation with her sad tone and show no signs of fear at all. Matt struggled to figure out her behaviour, but started to enjoy this little game.

“So, can you remember anything new?” she asked one morning.

“No, I’m afraid not.” Matt answered calmly. He always felt very relaxed after his morning medication. “Still stuck on that bloody cab. I can’t seem to get back any further.”

“What do you mean you can’t get back any further?” She looked at him.

“Oh, that’s just the way I try to remember things. Try to reverse the order. Retrace my steps you know.” Matt said.

“Do you really think that’s the best way?” she asked.

“Well that’s what they keep on telling me.” Matt said

“Who?” She asked.

“Mrs Walker, Dr Gray, Dr Gordon... all of them. That is all I ever do. I just sit in their rooms and they try to guide me back. Every session is the same. I feel like I’m wasting my time. I asked them if we could try different methods, but they just keep on telling me that it’s the only way. Glad you question it as well.” Matt found it very easy to talk to her. Her soft sad voice comforted him even if he knew there was something more behind it than comfort.

“I was wondering what they did with you in that sessions, because you seem to be the same every morning.” Robin said.

“They all tell me I’m making progress though.” Matt said

“That’s funny, because I would think that making progress would be remembering things.” She said whilst looking at him. Matt could see her eyes shouting again.

“Me too, but I guess they know what they are doing. They did say that I will make a full recovery like last time, so I am hopeful. Matt said, trying to look past her anxious eyes. Trying to keep from asking her what’s wrong. He was the one with the problem after all and not in any position to try and diagnose anyone.

“You guess? Your entire future depends on this place to try and make you remember and you guess? You have to question more Mr Green.” This was the first time saw her talk in this tone. Something was up. She was very different from the rest of them.

“Question more? Don’t you think I have been questioning everything since I have been in this place?” Matt started to get a bit worked up, but in a good way. She made him feel alive.

“I have been questioning myself and everyone around me since...since after the incident with Mrs Walker.” Matt could feel the gaping hole in his head and had to work around it.

“I heard that’s the incident that started all of this again, you’re memory loss I mean. What bothers me is that if Mrs Walker new what was wrong with you and even treated you in the past. Why would she let you loose your grip. She was the one giving us lectures on how to deal with you, how to keep you calm.” She sounded strangely enthusiastic.

Matt started to think about the incident. He remembers her challenging behaviour. It was as if she was trying to provoke him. Maybe she was just testing him. She was so caring after the incident. Could she have done it on purpose?

Matt looked at Robin. “Do you think something is going on?”

“I’m not implying anything. I’m just telling you to question more Mr Green.” She took the empty tray and left the room. Matt could hear the familiar sound of the door clicking when she slowly closed the door behind her. Matt didn’t want her to go. Matt sat wondering on the bed. What was it she knew. He had to find out.

Matt started his morning sessions as usual. Robin took him to his first session, but seemed a lot more distant than earlier the morning. When she opened the door and let him in he heard her say. “Remember what I told you, Mr Green.” He entered the room and waited until Dr Gordon entered the room. Dr Gordon was a tall and skinny and the years have been taking its toll on his hair. He wore a white shirt and a friendly face. The wrinkles on his forehead lit up when he greeted Matt.

“Good Morning again, Mr Green.” He said while taking a seat opposite Matt in the comfortable leather sofa. He took his pen out of his shirt pocket and flipped through the flipchart he had in his hands.

“How are you today? Any new pieces to the puzzle? I hope you have been doing the exercise I gave you!?” Mr Gordon smiled.

“No luck yet. I have been trying my best, but I still get stuck at the taxi. I can remember everyday that I have been in here, but i just can’t seem to get past the bloody taxi.” Matt said.

“Any clarity on why you came to the building at all.” Dr Gordon asked.

“No, all I know is that I came in for something very important, but I can’t seem to figure out what is was. Maybe that is something we can focus on today.” Matt asked hopefully with Robin’s words sheltering in the back of his head.

“No...no, don’t worry about that at the moment. We have to retrace the steps first.” He said while ticking something on the flipchart.

“But that is all we ever do and we saw that it delivered no results. Is there nothing else we can try?” Matt said in a bit of an anxious tone.

“Patience, Mr Green, Patience. Now, What I want you to do for me is to lei back on the couch and close your eyes.” He shifted to the front of the sofa.

“Like we did yesterday?” Matt asked sarcastically.

“Yes exactly like we did yesterday.” The doctor said.

Matt laid down on the sofa just like he was instructed to do, but Robin’s words rang in his head.

“You know what Doctor! I don’t think I’m going to do this exercise today! I am sick and tired of doing the same thing over and over again. Let me have a look at that clipboard of yours.” Matt tried to snatch the clipboard form Dr Gordon.

“What are you doing? Let go!” Dr Gordon said in an assertive voice. Matt could’nt help too feel a bit threatened, but he knew that assertiveness was only a learned behaviour. Something professionals use to get what they want. They are trained to use this technique. Trained to use fear to get what they want. Trained to stay within a certain boundary, never to sway from you initial perspective. Not even if there might be room for argumentation. A robot! Matt could see this in Dr Gordon’s eyes. He could read how he followed company policy. All information is confidential, not to be shared with anyone. Not even the person the information belongs to.

“I just want to have a look at the progress I have been making.” Matt said his own assertive attempt, but a more threatening tone shot through the room. Matt was now standing and looked straight at Dr Gordon.

“I just want to know what’s going on with me. You never tell me anything. I just... want... to ... know.” Matt said. He could feel his blood starting to boil and he could feel how Robin’s words motivated his every move. He could see Dr Gordon getting uncomfortable. He wanted to pursue his feelings, he wanted answers. He wanted to remember. He walked straight up to Mr Green who backed up to against the wall. His back pressing against one of the motivational framed posters which read, Your biggest achievement in life, is knowing who you really are! The triumphant man above the words seemed to look down on Dr Gordon. Matt snatched the clipboard form his hands and looked at the top page. It was blank. And so was the rest of the pages on the chart.

“What’s this?” Matt said, holding the clipboard in Dr Gordon’s face! “What the fuck is this!”

Matt turned around and flung the flipchart to the floor. He sat down on the sofa with his hands in his head. “You are not leaving this room until you tell me exactly what the hell you are trying to do with me! Why would you pretend to be making notes about me when you’re not!” Matt said.

When Matt heard the door click, he looked. He could see Dr Gordon hurrying out of the room. Matt knew that there would be consequences for what happened! He is suppose to stay calm, but how could he. If someone could just explain. Tell him what the procedure was. Tell him how long it would take. For god sakes! He was in here before. They should know. They should tell him something!

Matt waited for the two big men to enter the room, but instead he heard her soft voice.

“What happened? I saw Dr Gordon storming out of the office?” She said looking caringly at him.

“I don’t know what’s going on! I think they might be toying with me. I Just questioned like you told me to. What is going on? What is it you know?!” Matt heard himself ask the questions he held out on.

“Come, there isn’t any time know. Just let me take you back to your room before the security guys show up. I can tell them I took care of you. Come. I don’t want them to hurt you!” She said, walking up to him, taking him by the arm. He was so aware of her touch on his bare arm. Her soft and warm hand around his wrist and in between her fingers he could feel the cold of her wedding ring. She rushed him back to his room and made him sit on the bed. After she left the room he could hear her talking to someone.

“He’s fine, he’s fine. There is no need for that!” he heard her voice. He couldn’t quite makje out what the other voice was saying, but he heard her answer. “Yes, yes I did give him the pills. Don’t worry! I know what I am suppose to do Mrs Walker.”

He laid back on his bed and waited for her to come back, but sleep came first!

He is standing on a white plain. No sand, no wind. But he is aware of the thick air! He feels the sand under his feet. But when he looks down he sees a brown liquid running up his legs. He feels the need to get away. But he is stuck. He hears a voice in the distance. A voice telling him to run towards her. He tries, but can’t seem to move his feet. He looks back and sees a huge watermelon rolling towards him. It’s twice his size. He has to get out of the way, but he can’t move. As the watermelon comes closer it’s splits open and a huge snake appears snapping at him as it passes by. He can feel his feet coming loose from the brown sticky liquid and he tries to run towards the voice. But as he took his first step there was nothing. His feet were still stuck in the liquid and his leg has came off just above his ankle. He fall forward, face first into the brown liquid. He can’t breath! He is slowly suffocating!

He wakes up gasping for breath. Staring at the clinical ceiling! He looked at the clock against the wall it was almost time for her to enter. And just like he expected he heard the keys in the door and he saw the door swung open. She stood in the door holding on to the tray. He sat up waiting to take his pills. She put the pills on the opposite table. Left it all on the tray and turned around.

“You’re not taking your pills this morning! I think it might be these pills stopping you from remembering what you should. I checked the labels and compared it to the ones they gave you when you were here the first time. They aren’t the same!” she said looking way too emotional to his liking.

“So what. Maybe they just changed the prescription. It’s not like the other pills cured me.” Matt answered in sleepy voice, trying to hide the joy of seeing her.

“Yes, but they made you remember something at least. It’s been longer than a week now and you can’t remember anything! You started to remember things after about three days last time!” she said

“Yes but this isn’t last time, I’m in here again for a reason. Look at me, I can’t even finish a session.” He said.

“What do you mean?” she looked confused

“I’m talking about what happened in Dr Gordon’s office.”

“That was the only incident and it wasn’t your fault.” She said and Matt could see her eyes screaming louder than ever before. She looked straight through him and made him feel uncomfortable and he waited for her to continue, or say what her eyes intended to say, but she kept quiet. He looked at her.

“Go on.” He said hoping to get more out of her but she just looked at him silence written all over her face.

“Why is it so important for you that I remember? What’s in it for you?” Matt asked. He wanted something from her, anything and he didn’t care if he would upset her. He could see that his last question got under her skin. She looked at him as if she never heard those words before. He could see a battle commencing deep inside of her. He could see the dualism of her thoughts flaring from her eyes. She wanted to tell him so badly and Matt could feel the tension dancing around inside her. The tension brought a tear to the corner of her eye. Her defence mechanisms took over and with a quick stroke of her hand, the tear was gone. And so was the intense moment.

“Never mind Mr Green, I am just trying to help you. You can either try to follow my advice or leave it. It’s just that I have known you once before. I know a part of you, you don’t even know and I think I know what that ‘other’ you would have wanted.”

“Then please tell me about myself!” Matt said. His face portrayed all his old confusions and he could help to sound desperate.

“Now is not the time. You have to become your old self, I can’t create an illusion for you to try and chase. You have to find it yourself.” She said sounding professional.

“Why are you doing this to me?” her professional tone put him right back in defensive mode.

“I am not doing anything to you. You have the power to remember. Don’t lose faith!”

She turned around and took the pills from the tray. She paused for a moment and looked back at him and then put the pills back on the tray. “Mr Robinson will come and collect you for your session in a while so make sure you are ready.” She said while walking towards the door. She opened the door and left without looking back, Leaving Matt sitting confused as usual on his bed. But deep inside of him he could feel some inspiration. Something telling him to use what he has to get out. To become himself again. He felt challenged and he felt up for the challenge. Maybe this was the type of person he was. Maybe this was part of a memory.

He decided not to take the pills and flushed them down the drain. He finished off and waited for Dr Robinson to arrive. He heard a knock at the door and saw the moving shadow at the bottom of the door. This was stranger for Matt as nobody ever knocks and he can’t unlock the door form the inside. The door clicked after a few seconds and opened slowly.

“Hello? Is it safe for me to enter?” Dr Robinson peeked through the door. He had the mos honest face Matt has ever seen. He smiled when he saw Matt was all finished. It was almost as if Matt could feel the positive energy flowing from within him. Dr Robinson was in his mid thirties. He had a full dark head of hair and a pair of thin framed designer glasses on his head. He was well build and looked like the stereotype metro sexual male Matt thought. His shirt fit like it was made for him and his nightly folded tie screamed success. He had a professional, confident and manly voice, but overtly positive.

“Hello Mr Green. I am Dr Robinson. Please follow me and we can have a nice chat.”

Matt couldn’t help to find a liking in him. He radiated the most positive energy and Matt was keen to tap into it. For the first time he was actually looking forward to a session.

When they entered Dr Robinson’s room, Matt couldn’t help to see the framed diplomas and degrees against the wall.(describe diplomas)

“Work hard, play harder!” Dr Robinson said when he saw Matt looking at the degrees. He moved over to behind his desk and arranged some papers. He walked around his desk and loosened his tie a bit. “Well you have been awfully quiet.” He said while smiling at Matt. Matt smiled like a naughty schoolboy and gave a shy laugh.

Both of them took a seat in the nice arranged seating area. Heavy brown sofa’s arranged to face each other. The comfortable cushions felt like it was trying to swallow Matt whole. Matt sat down and looked at Dr Robinson sitting across from him without realising that he hasn’t said a word since he left his room. “Is everything okay, Mr Green? From what I heard you are normally quite chatty.”

Although Dr Robinson seemed friendly, Matt felt uneasy sitting here infront of the professional psychiatrist. He wondered what Dr Robinson really thought of him. Was he really here to try and help him or was he just doing his job like everyone else in this place. Everyone, but Robin.

“I’m sorry, I guess I must still be a bit tired.” Matt heard himself say.

“I can tell that something isn’t quite right. Are you still upset about what happened yesterday with Dr Gordon. I am here just to reassure you that everything is okay. I just want us to work through what happened yesterday so that you and Dr Gordon can continue your sessions in the future. Is that okay with you?” Dr Robinson sounded sincere and honest and Matt couldn’t help to feel a bit better and relaxed, but for some reason he still struggled to be completely at ease. Something in the back of his mind was softly ticking. Something buried deep in his unconsciousness telling knock-knock jokes, but with no reply to the ‘Who’s there?’. Dr Robinson must have noticed this and Matt felt like he was caught out when Dr Robinson spoke again. “Did you take your medication this morning?”

Matt took a while to respond. He heard Robin’s sad voice and saw her screaming eyes. “Yes I took them like I do every morning.”

“Are you one hundred percent sure, Mr Green, Because you do look a bit flustered. It’s fine if you forgot to take them. I can send for someone to go and check your room.”

“That won’t be necessary I had the nurse with me in the room when I took them. She made pretty sure that I took them.” Matt knew that Robin would back him up and he enjoyed this bit of dishonest power he had.

“Which nurse?” Dr Robinson asked seeming a bit too suspicious to Matt’s liking.

“Robin, the young nurse that collects me every morning.” Matt did not like being questioned.

“Mrs Goodridge?”

Matt realises that he didn’t even know her last name. “I guess.” Matt sighed. He wanted to get off the topic. He was feeling uneasy as it was and he struggled to keep an honest face. The knocking in his head got a tad louder when he looked back at Dr Robinson.

“Well if that’s what you say, then I guess I have to take your word for it. You look honest enough” Dr Robinson tried to break the tension.

“I guess you just should” Matt answered annoyed, struggling to ignore the knocking sound in his head. He got a bit agitated. “Can we just get on with it then?” Matt said and he could feel how his body language was screaming to get out of the room. “This happens every time, we get stuck on little conversations that has nothing to do with trying to help me remember. Or you make me do the same thing over and over again.” Matt could hear himself talking louder in order to speak over the knocking sound in his head.

“Aren’t you being a bit harsh, Mr Green? This is our first session and I just wanted to make sure that you were comfortable, because you do look like something is bothering you...”

“Can you stop saying that please? For fuck sakes.” Matt interrupted and felt how the words slipped from his mouth. He struggled to deal with controlling himself and tried to focus passed the knocking sound in his head. He started to doubt his decision to flush the pills down the drain. Maybe he should have taken them. Maybe Robin could have been wrong. She is just a nurse after all and she didn’t seem stable in any case.

“Can you please calm down, Mr Green. Don’t you think that was uncalled for? I am here to help you, you know?” Dr Robinson regurgitated his textbook doctor-patient etiquette.

“How can I calm down if we get nothing done and you keep on telling me that I look like shit!”

“That is not what I intended Mr Green. Just relax and we can start with the session straight away. Is that okay with you?” Dr Robinson said in a learned polite tone.

“You know, I don’t think it is.” Matt heard himself say. He could feel his chin itch every time the knocking noise struck against his temples. He looked down and held his head in his hands. He tried to press against his temples to stop the noise. Then it came again. It slipped from his chin all the way down into his body. His face went red. When he looked up he saw fear in Dr Robinson’s eyes. Dr Robinson looked like a complete stranger to him. He felt threatened by his presence and wanted to get out of the room as quickly as possible. He got up from the sofa.

“What’s going on Mr Green?” Dr Robinson asked

“Just let me out of this room right now!” Matt said in a voice he himself didn’t recognise.

“I have to get out now! It’s too noisy in here!” Matt struggled to hear his own voice over the knocking sound. It sounded like a broken door being hammered. He could hear the rattles of the splinters as the door came loose from the hinges.

“But we haven’t started with the session yet!?”

I don’t give a fuck about your sessions! Just let me out!” Matt walked to the locked door and tried to force it open, Dr Robinson came closer with a key clutched in his hands.

“Just stand away from the door so that I can unlock it for you.” Dr Robinson said in a now anxious voice.

As he got closer to the door Matt turned around and pushed him away.

“Get away from me!” Matt shouted.

“I am just trying to open the door for you!” Dr Robinson said in a real voice, his voice.

Matt stood with his head against the door and his fists above his head banging against the door until it started to rattle. His banging must have attracted the attention of the restraint officers. The door swung open and the two big men didn’t waste one second and grabbed him. It was as if they have been waiting around for some action. Matt tried to get away from them, but was quickly wrestled to the ground. He could feel their strong hands all over him. His spurts of anger evaporated into helplessness. He kicked and screamed. He had to get away! He had to get out of their grip. They can’t take control of him now. Not now. He will die if they take control of him now. He managed to free himself partly from one of their grips, but the bigger one of the two held on and dragged him back by his trousers. Pulling them down in the process. He tried to cover up his private parts but his hands were pulled back by one of the officers. He felt a stinging pain to the back of his head and in the corner of his eye he saw a flashlight battery rolling past him.

“Let go of me! I haven’t done anything wrong! Let go, I beg you?! let go! I haven’t done anything wrong.”

He looked at Dr Robinson who was standing in the doorway.

“Do something! Make them stop! You know I haven’t done anything wrong!” Matt pleaded, but he remained motionless. Even Robin who came down the corridor to see what all the commotion was about, didn’t say anything. She just looked at him when they dragged him passed her.

“Robin!! Do something! Say something!” Matt never felt as lost and alone as there in the grip of the two muscle men dragging him down the corridor with his trousers half way down, hanging on his knees, his shirt ripped, one of his shoes stayed behind in front of Dr Robinson’s office.

Matt went numb and gave up the struggle, partly because he was tremendously exhausted, but mainly because he couldn’t control the noise in his head. They shoved him in a restrained room. When they left he still tried to kick the door open, but with no luck. He stood with his head against the door and his fists above his head banging against the door. He had to make a bigger noise that the one in his head.

He woke up when a heard the door click and push against him. He must have passed out or fell asleep after banging on the door. He was sitting on the floor with his head resting against the door. It was dark, he had no idea what time it was. The knocking sound in his head was gone. It felt like the nothing had happened, Like it was just a distant dream, But the lump on the back of his head and his torn trousers reminded him of the terrible ordeal. The door kept on pusching against him and he slid backwards leaning on his hands. The door slowly opened and he heard someone whisper.

“Hey...hey. Matt are you in here?” He knew the voice, but never expected to hear it here where he was still trying to get a grip on himself. And once again not at this time of night. Joseph peeked into the room. The light coming in from behind him, lit up the room. Matt looked around and saw that he was indeed in a padded cell. He got shivers all over.

“It’s Joseph right!?” Matt asked confused.

“Yes yes like I’ve told you a hundred times before. Come... come with me. You don’t belong in this place. Let me take you to your room.” Joseph whispered.

“NO, I don’t want to go to my room, I have to get out of this place. You have to help me.” Matt pleaded.

“Funny how you trust me to help you with that. How do you know I won’t report you?”

“You came to get me from here didn’t you?” Matt covered

“But how do you know they didn’t send me to come and collect you, Ahh, you didn’t think of that did you.” Joseph gave a funny little chuckle pointed at Matt and winked. Matt could see a few of his front teeth were missing and when Joseph smiled his eyes totally disappeared behind his wrinkles.

“Come on. You have to go to your room first. I will help you, All in good time. Patience is a virtue my young new... erm... old... friend, oh whatever, just come with me.” Joseph said in his energetically confused voice. Joseph led the way and his keys jingled in his hand. He peeked suspiciously around every corner, before waving for Matt to follow him. When they got to the room, Joseph unlocked the door.

“There you go, get in!” Joseph said, pretending to speak like one of the restraint officers. He laughed. Joseph followed him into the room. Matt took a seat on the bed.

“Thanks for getting me out of there. What are you still doing here at this time at night? What time is it anyway?” Matt shook his head looking down at the floor.

“It’s time for you to get some proper sleep. Why did you get yourself into trouble again? What’s bothering you man?” Joseph took a flask from his back pocket.

“Want some?” he said holding it out to Matt?

“No thanks, I’m all right for now!”

“It will help you sleep.”

Matt took the old dented flask from Joseph and took a sip, nearly spitting it all out on the floor.

“Jesus man, are you trying to kill me.” Matt coughed

Joseph laughed out loud and took the flask from Matt.

“To young for this then.” Joseph said still smiling.

Matt looked at Joseph. Trying to figure out this old man in front of him.

“So you know me from before?” Matt asked staring at Joseph

“Yes, I thought you would remember me, but I guess everyone working with you thought that you would remember them. You made quite an impact on every one you know.”

Matt looked at him. “Robin said the exact same thing” he thought.

“Especially on that young lady. She couldn’t stop talking about you.” Joseph winked.

“Which young lady.” Matt knew exactly who he was talking abou, but just wanted to hear her name form Joseph.

“You know that cute little nurse.” Joseph laughed

“Robin?” Matt asked

Joseph nodded.

“Do you two speak to each other?”

“Yes, we share the odd cigarette or two on her lunch break.” Joseph said while taking another sip from his flask.

“So why did you come and help me?” Matt asked

“Because I am you father Matt!” The old man looked long and hard at Matt cracking a smile and chuckling. “I’m just fucking with you.” It seemed like Joseph’s flask was beginning to kick in. Matt felt a bit light headed after just one sip of whatever it was brewing in that flask.

“We use to chat from time to time. You’re a good boy and I am a good judge of character. You never got into trouble though. I don’t know what’s going on now man. You were in and out of here before you could say madhouse. Considering the amount of trouble you were in when you came in.” Joseph looked at Matt holding out the flask again. Matt took another sip. This time trying not to show how ghastly it tasted. It seemed to relax him.

“You sure know a lot for a janitor.” Matt said smiling.

“Stories love to run around man. And like I said, we had the occasional chat.”

“You never wanted to tell me anything about your past though. Probably because you couldn’t remember anything about it. It would’ve come in handy now with you trying to remember again. ”

Matt cracked a little grin himself. He had forgotten about his torn trousers and shirt. Joseph made him feel better and more relaxed for a change. Almost like the pills made him feel. Matt wished he hadn’t flushed the pills away that morning. He wish he could take some right now. Just so that he could get to bed. But then he remembered, he wants to get out of this place. The white sterile walls are driving him crazy. The isolation is unbearable. Sometimes he wish he could just see some of the crazy patients Robin always talk about. He started to appreciate Josepsh’s and Robin’s friendship, if that’s what he could call it.

Joseph looked at him with tired eyes. “Get out of those rubbish clothes and get to bed.”

“You said that you will help...” Matt replied, but was quickly interrupted by the old janitor.

“I know, I know. Get some sleep first and if you still want to get out of this place I’ll set you free.” Joseph laughed as he turned around heading to the door. “I’ll see you around young man!” He closed the door behind him and Matt could hear him lock it behind him. Matt walked to the door and turned the handle just to make sure. The door was locked.

Matt lied down on his bed, without taking off his torn clothes. He tried to work through everything that happened earlier the day. Why did he get ruffed up so badly? He didn’t do anything wrong. Why didn’t anybody stop that two big bullies. He still felt the lump on the back of his head. Why didn’t Robin do something or say something. Why didn’t she come to look if he was okay? Why was he thinking of her so much? He drifted into his own thoughts with the help of Joseph’s brew. He let down his guard and the sleep took hold off him. Carrying him into a deep black nothingness.

Matt woke up sweating. His mouth was dry, his head hurting. He felt the lump at the back of his head. He fell asleep without taking his clothes off. Matt tried to get back to sleep, but random thoughts kept him from sleeping any further. He spend a few minutes staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. He realised that he haven’t attempted any reconstruction of his past for a while. He was too busy trying to figure Robin out. Why was she going against the rest of the staff to try and make him remember. Why did she have that look in her eyes. Why was she trying to tell him something without ever saying a word. Nothing made sense, but in a way he felt that none of it should. He was in mental institution. Eventhough they kept him out of the main building, because of his isolated case, he was still one of the crazy people. A patient in a mental institution.. How could he be in a place like this? And what killed him, was the fact that he walked in here by himself. No one dragged him in here this time and now he is stuck. Why did he come into this god-forsaken place? He was fine when he got out of that black cab. He was dressed nicely, he felt good. He was driven. If he could just find out what he was doing? He had to get out of this place. He had to get out into the world he once lived in, whatever that might be. He had to get out. Maybe if he experience life outside everything would come back to him. Maybe Robin was right. “Their medicine and shaky procedures won’t cure me. I have to question more. I have to take responsibility. I have to get out of this place.” Matt thought and in this daze he walked up to the door and turned the handle. Matt heard the door click expecting it to be locked like Joseph left it, but to his surprise the door popped open and swung invitingly into the corridor.

Matt couldn’t believe his luck and took it as a sign. A sign of what he wasn’t sure, but he didn’t waste time and walked straight down the corridor, following the “Way out” sign. He walked past Dr Robinson’s office and tried to forget about the events that took place there. Ironic he thought. He wants to remember everything and here he finds himself trying to forget something. ‘How is that for progress?’ He thought.

He came to the two fire doors leading in the main reception. They are usually locked. He remembered the Mrs Walker locking them behind her one day when he had a session with her. He just had to feel if the doors were open. If they were locked he would go back to his room and wait for the day to break. Then he could speak to Joseph. He did say that if he still wanted to get out in the morning that he would help him. And he wanted to get out now more than ever, He knew what he had to do. He had to take responsibility. He would make himself remember. He needed the cues that would unlock his memory and they were all out there in the real world. Not locked up in a tiny white room or a Dr’s office. No it was out there. His old life was out there waiting for him.

He pulled the left door and once again the door popped open. Matt could believe what was happening. Could this be Joseph? Did he leave the doors unlock on purpose? Did he want him to find his own way out? Matt went into the main reception area. He walked straight to the main exit. And felt the door. It was locked. Matt went cold. He could believe it. Why would all the doors be unlock and not this one. It couldn’t be. He had to get out. He saw a side door to his left. He had to try everything. He came this far. The door was unlocked. Matt found new hope. He went down the narrow corridor, passing the staff toilets. He was still thirsty and decided to drink some water. He went into the men’s toilets. Ran some water from the tap of the basin wating for it to reach a cooler temperature. He took a sip straight from the tap. When he looked up he got a fright. He saw himself in the mirror. This was the first time he saw himself in a mirror since he entered the institution. His beard was starting to come out in patches. He never could grow a full beard. His hair was long, but what scared him the most was his red eyes and tired look on his face. Is this what he was suppose to look like. He couldn’t remember his old looks, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t the face staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He rinsed his face with the cold water and set on his mission again. He walked further down the corridor and saw a big exit sign above the glass door. Could this be? Could this door lead him back to his old life?

He put his hand out to turn the handle, but the disbelieve rushed up in him and for the first time he wondered where he was going to go when he get out. He can’t sleep on street tonight. He has no money on him. He only knows his name and surname, Nothing else. He has no identification on him. And best of all he’s dressed in hospital clothes. He felt the handle in his hand, he paused before he put the weight if his wrist on it. It turned smoothly and Matt couldn’t feel the click of the door releasing its grip. The door was locked. Matt stood staring at his reflection in the in the glass door. For a moment he heard the words “Just what I thought.” In his head. He felt relieved for some reason. He could head back to his room without the concern of where he would sleep if he got out. Without the worries of what he would do. He hated himself for feeling that way. This made him doubt himself even more. He tried to figure out why Joseph would only leave the exit doors locked. Maybe Joseph had nothing to do with this. Maybe these doors are the only ones thats locked anyway. Matt started to feel alone again. He turned and headed back to his room.

He woke up with the sound of someone trying to unlock his already unlocked door. The key turned backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards. What you believe to be true, might prevent you from seeing what is right in front of you. Matt could see in Robin’s eyes that she wondered why the door was unlocked, but she didn’t say anything. She just smiled at him. “How are you this morning?” she regurgitated the little phrase he had heard every morning since he entered this nothingness.

Matt looked at her with disbelieve. “So is everyone going to pretend that nothing happened yesterday? And you... you just stood there. Watching how they beat the shit out of me. How they broke me down, humiliated me. I am not a fuckin animal! What did I do wrong, huh tell me, what did I do?” Matt was shouting, but inside it felt like he was crying. Crying for help, crying for comfort. He was angry with Robin, but he wanted her to comfort him. She was the only one he could really talk to. He felt so lost and alone. And for the first time he had no clue what to do. He wanted to leave last night, but he ended up being too scared. Even if the door was unlocked he would’ve turned back. He has been turned into a scared little boy. He needed her to stand up for him. He needed someone to show him that everything will be ok. But she just stood there. Letting them rip his trousers down to his ankles, letting them beat him and drag him away like a wild animal.

Matt could see her eyes turn watery. “I couldn’t...” She tried to explain, but Matt interrupted.

“You Could!!!, You could’ve tried at least. Said something.” Matt said. “This is all your fault!”

“How can this be my fault?” Robin looked at him whilst wiping a tear that started to roll down her cheek.

“First you tell me to question these guys and when I do, they treat me like I am some kind of criminal. Then you told me not to take my pills. Do you know what It felt like in that room? They knew I didn’t take my pills!! And then you don’t even do anything when they dragged me passed you! What kind of sick game are you playing? Are you trying to keep me in this God-forsaken place? You know what the worst thing of all is? Oh never mind… Just get out! Get the fuck out of my room!”

Tears started to run down her face.

“You don’t understand Matt. It’s not what it looks like. We have…” Matt already made up his mind and interrupted her again. “I said get out. Just do your job and leave my medication on the table and get out! You can be lucky I don’t report you. In fact, that’s what I’ll do.”

Matt could see her eyes widening, but he was too full of irrational anger to react to it. She tried again. “You don’t understand.” Matt knew that he should’ve listened to her. He Should’ve given her time to explain. Maybe he could’ve gotten closer to the truth. Something that has been distorted and felt like a distance glance of reality. He should’ve listened, but instead he gave her a cold look. “I am telling you to get out of my room please!”

She stood back with her back against the door. They stared at each other for which felt like ages. She wiped the tears from her cheek and shook her head. “Something changed you.” She said and turned around. She open the door and left. Closing the door slowly behind her.

Matt needed to get out. He needed to see the janitor!

Matt stood for a while and stared at the door. He waited to calm down, but the anger just clogged in his chest. He walked over to the table and took his medicine. He tasted the familiar taste of the bitter pills. It took a while, but he could feel the effect of the medication starting to level him out. He wondered how he could’ve listened to her. He wondered why he thought that she had some answers. It surely looked like she knew something, but it turns out she was just a confused little girl. An incompetent little girl!

Matt walked to the door and knocked, hoping that someone will open it from the outside. To his surprise, the door opened. It was one of the older nurses working in the facility. She had her hair tide up on top of her head and it looked like she had a pencil sticking out of the honeycomb on her head. She fitted the profile of nurse perfectly. Everything about her read NURSE.

“Yes can I help you?” her voice had a manly entity and Matt felt a bit intimidated by her.

“Uhm, Is there any chance that I can see Jospeh.”

“Joseph? Who is Joesph?”

“Joseph, the janitor he works on this floor.”

“Sorry I have no idea who you’re talking about! She closed the door in his face without even giving him a chance to explain.

How rude, he thought, but Matt was getting used to the rudeness. The thought also crossed his mind that he might still be in some kind of trouble for what happened the day before. And this fear started to creep into him again. He had to get out. This is’nt good for him. He felt pins and needles over his entire body and his stomach cramped. He felt alone and helpless. Who am I? Why is this happening to me? Matt started to cry. Stuck once more! Stuck in this made something or someone has created for him! Especially for him! Toying with him. As if something’s leading him into directions where they know he’ll get stuck!!

As Matt was battling with the thought of being stuck in there for ever, drowning in a pool of information shortage about absolutely everything, he heard his door opening! Mrs Walker stood in front of him. She looked bigger than usual from where he was sitting she did instil some fear. Is it better to be loved than feared Matt thought.

Mrs Walker looked at him without her usual icy glare.

“How are you doing?” She said in a kind voice and closed the door behind her.

“I heard you caused quite a stir here yesterday!? What’s bothering you?”

Matt couldn’t believe his ears. How could she ask what’s bothering him. She should surely know that everything in this place bothered him.

“Everything!” Matt looked down at his feet. He felt tired, confused.

“Why did’nt you take your medication? You know it got you into a lot of trouble! I thought Mrs Goodridge was in here with you…”

“That’s exactly the problem.” Matt interrupted. She’s the one…”

“She’s the one that what?” Mrs walker turned her head as she tried to look through him.

“She’s the one who told me not to take the bloody pills. Why is she so anxious? Why is she trying to force me to remember? What’s going here?” Matt looked at Mrs Walker with tears hanging on the inside of his eyelids.

“I knew this would happen.” Mrs Walker mumbled to herself.

“This makes sense. Don’t worry Matthew I’ll sort it out. If you give your cooperation we will have you out of here in no time! Everything will come back to you and you’ll be the Matt that left here a while ago.”

“If you know me from back the, Why don’t you just tell me who I am and I’ll remember. Matt pleaded.

Matt. You have a very sensitive condition. Your reality has been impaired and you are very fragile at the moment. If we sketch you a picture of who we saw, you will try to follow that reality. Our perception of you are not the same as the perception of self understanding. We can’t force an outside perspective onto you. You will struggle to follow that image and reject the true concept of yourself! Do you understand?”

“Not really.” Matt looked more confused as before.

“You need to remember everything about yourself on your own. You are the only one with the real knowledge of who you really are. We can’t force a reality onto you. You’ll live an illusion and be back in here as soon as that illusion starts to wear off!”

Matt looked at her and it started to make sense to him on A theoretical level, although he knew he was too impatient to totally accept it!

Mrs Walker continued: “But you have nothing to worry about. I think I know why you have been struggling. Anything that’s forced will lead to mayhem I always say! Just get some rest. I can see you are tired!

“What time is it?” Matt asked.

“Don’t worry about it now. That’s the least of your worries. Just relax and get some sleep. You took your pills right?

“Yes.”

“Excellent, your real recovery will start as soon as you are well rested.”

For some reason Matt put all his belief into her and felt calm as soon as she left the room. He laid back then rolled onto his side with his legs curled tightly against his chest. He wished he had something to long for, but if you can’t remember anything, you have nothing to miss and then you are really alone.

Matt woke when he heard his door rattling. Someone was trying to unlock his door. He could hear that it was someone who never unlocked the door before. The door swung open when Matt sat up. An old nurse entered the room! It was one of the older nurses working in the facility. She had her hair tide up on top of her head and it looked like she had a pencil sticking out of the honeycomb on her head. She fitted the profile of nurse perfectly. Everything about her read NURSE.

“Morning, What a wonderful morning isn’t it?” she tried to light up the room with her motherly or rather grandmotherly voice!

“Where is Robin?” Matt asked in a sleepy daze, wiping his eyes.

“Oh, she won’t be in for a while! She has been booked off for a few months. The nurse continued in a friendly voice.

“Do you know why?” Matt asked

“No I have no idea. All I know is that I am going to be taking very good care of you from now on!” She Smiled and put the tray with his medication on the table opposite of his bed. She took the container with pills and a glass of water and held it infront of Matt. “There we go. Drink up. I will give you a few minutes to finish up.”

Matt took the pills from her and met with their bitter taste once more. He couldn’t get the water down his throat fast enough!

“Thank you. I’ll come and collect you in a short while.”

The nurse took the tray and left the room. Robot, Matt thought. She can try and play her friendly role. Pretending that’s she’s being sincere, but she’ll be the first to call security if he steps out of line. Matt got up from the bed and walked over to the basin. He wished he had a mirror to see himself again. He remembers the image he saw the night before. Was it the night before. Matt wasn’t sure, he haven’t been sure of anything lately and he was getting use to it.

For some reason he didn’t feel the same. It must have been Robin’s absence. He wanted her to bring his medication this morning. He wanted to tell her that he told Mrs Walker and that he was sorry! He never meant to, but he couldn’t help it. He needed someone who he could be honest with! He needed an emotional release. But now she’s gone and he was certain that it was because of him. He was sure that Mrs Walker told her to take some time off or even worse, told her that she was fired. Matt felt sad with a purpose for the first time in ages. Why did he have this longing for Robin? He was upset with her, he wanted to report her. He wanted to tell her off. He wanted to show her that she had an influence on his emotions. He didn’t want her to go. He needed someone who he could be mad at. It was better than getting upset with himself. Maybe she was a distraction. Maybe he needed to get cross with himself. He needed to get to know himself. Just like Mrs Walker told him. He needed to find out the truth on his own terms. He knew he could convince himself that it was better that she was gone, but it wouldn’t stop the pain in his chest every time he thought of her. They had unfinished business. He wanted to get behind those screaming eyes. He knew that she knew something. Now he will never know what reality could’ve been unlocked from her.

But he had to make a decision. He had to get out of this place and he had to get out of here with his head screwed on right. If Mrs Walker told him he’ll be fine than that’s exactly what he’ll try and achieve. He could use her as a motivation to get out of this place. Even if he knew that he would never see her again.

Matt washed his face in the small basin and supported himself on the edges of the basin. He looked at the water disappearing down the drain. He could see his hair in front of his face. He did’nt like his hair hanging in front of his face an wondered if he ever liked long hair, .

When the door opened again he followed the nurse to his appointments for the day! Sadly motivated and determined to get better. Even if it was just to see her again!

The next couple of days Matt followed all his sessions and tried his very best to achieve some kind of success. He learned that with great patience and determination, one has the ability to achieve anything you put your mind to. He learned that if you put enough positive energy into one bucket that it has to overflow with positive energy sooner or later. In week one he started to remember random bits of information about his former life.

He remembered stuff like his first dog’s name. He remembered his best friend from school, but struggled to put it into context. He would confuse his best friend’s name with that of his dog’s and then had to start all over again. But he felt stronger than ever and these random bits of information showed that he was making progress. He even remembered a random mobile number in one of his sessions and when he and the doctor tested it, it turned out to be his old office.

Matt knew that these random bits of memory would soon form a puzzle and that it was up to him to put the pieces together. It became a game and Matt was winning all the way.

“If you keep on making progress like this we will have to take you out into the real world for some reference point exercises.” One of the doctors told him one day.

“What’s that?” Matt loved the idea of getting out of this place and into the busy streets again.

“Ahh we’ll just take you out and see if there is anything you recognise. That’s the final stages of your therapy. As soon as we’re certain that you have enough pieces of the puzzle we’ll take you out so that you can start to put the pieces together. Like showing you the picture of the puzzle. You just have to follow the picture to complete the puzzle. Get it?”

Matt loved the idea that he made so much progress. He felt like he was slowly but surely gaining control of his surroundings. He almost forgot about his urge to see Robin again. He became so use to having no distractions. He got up every morning and followed his routine. He became so involved in his own progress that nothing else seemed to enter his mind other than the random puzzle pieces. His quest for his long term memory became his only ambition and it might have led to him neglecting his short term memory. Whether this was true or not he was’nt sure, but he certainly neglected the thought of Robin. Only when he lied in bed at night with a twisting feeling in his stomach he realised that he was missing her. He missed her eyes, her glowing hair. Her petite sway and the way she looked down when she became self conscious. He only then remembered that he had to see her again. That there was indeed something there. He had absolutely no idea what it was, but there was something. And these were the times that he started to pray for the first time in his life. He prayed just to be able to see her again and to find out what was behind her screaming eyes.

He knew that it has been a few months sice he last saw her and knew that he had to forget about her. He knew that she had her own life and that he had to get on with the pieces left of his. But even if he knew it, he couldn’t get her out of his head. Her soft hands still accidentally touch him in his thoughts and her voice still floated through his head. The thought of her filled his head along with so many possibilities. He paged through the images of her that was left in his mind. And just before he fell asleep after convincing himself to forget about her, her voice was the last thing he heard. That’s when he convinced himself that he was remembering how love felt. He does not want to leave this place without seeing her again, but he felt like he had smudged his chances and all he could see was the smears of her presence he once felt!

He was always so certain that he wanted the peace and freedom. He still knows that he wants the freedom, but does he want this? His stomach turned every time he thought of leaving. He always thought that leaving was the only thing he wanted to do, but now he wanted to remain in his comfort zone. And this killed him. He started to hate himself, but started to love her so much more. It was just something that kept him back, made him doubt his decisions, made him doubt anything he’s been doing up to this point. Made him believe that everything he felt was just amplified without his knowledge. Put under a magnifying glass and that it was always there, not just created by the rash decisions that had to be made. Could all this be traced back and connected to her? Could she be the one creating all of these irrational thoughts. Maybe the place he wanted to leave so badly, now had the one thing that he ever really wanted. It took him so long to reach the point where he could take control over his own destiny, to break free, to get away from what he felt was the root of all his troubles. Now he feels that he has to stay, he wants to stay, but why? Why on earth does he want to stay. Then it hits him hard. It is her.

But it’s not just her. It is everything about her. More that her petite looks, her elegant sway. Much more than her sexy figure. It’s what happens when she enters the room. What happens to any room when she’s in the vicinity. The room has a purpose; he has a purpose to be there. He can understand why men has eyes and feelings. To absorb whatever it is she radiates. Something a blind man would be aware of if he has to enter the room. What was it?

It never dawned on him that it might have been her absence. Maybe, just because he counted every waking hour just to see her, hear her voice and to enjoy the way she approached him. Maybe this created a vacuum filled by her presence which rushed like water dying to break through the cracks in a dyke. He wanted her, but he knew that the barriers were just too tight. He knew that she was locked into the system that controlled all of us, and he was on the outside with no way of getting in. He never wanted to get in, but it was just the thought of her never being able to get out that made him see himself as the outsider. His thoughts ran rings around him and he struggled to control these thoughts. Yes it was because of her. He didn’t care if he created these feelings, because she was still the reason forcing him to create them. He knew that these feelings will always be unanswered. But he wanted to believe that they would some day play out like the way he fanaticised day after day. He knew that things things never pan out the way you imagine, but she made him naive again. She made him drift into this utopian future with her. A place where all his dream realised and all his troubles vaporised like mist when the sunrays touch them. He felt vulnerable and stupid and silly. Like a schoolboy! He was so sure that he knew that these thought were all unrealistic, but when it came to her, he couldn’t care less.

He couldn’t care about places he had to avoid. People who could seriously hurt him. He forgot about his vulnerability. And that’s when it dawned on him. He wanted her!

10.

Matt wondered if she would ever return whilst he was still there. The idea of getting out of there became a real possibility. He found it funny that he now had something that he was struggling to forget .

Matt was waiting in his room when he heard the door open. Mrs Walker was standing in the doorway.

“What a lovely surprise.” Matt said.

“I hope you have some good news for me.” Matt felt comfortable with her knowing that he had made so much progress.

“Yes I actually have Mr Green. Would you like to follow me to my office?” She turned around assuming that he would follow. Matt followed her with a sense of adventure. Everything had changed he felt like a straight A student dancing in the corridors of a prestigious school, waiting to be praised by the principal. He entered the room.

“Good to see that you are making excellent progress. We are all so proud of you.” She looked at Matt whilst taking some papers from her top drawer. She took a quick look at it before sliding it over to Matt. “You know that you will be going on a trip today?”

“They told me about the Reference exercises’, but I did’nt know that it would be so soon. I am really excited about it!” Matt felt like he won a raffle ticket.

“You will just have to read through these forms and sign them for us. It won’t take you very long. You can read through them now and then you can go and finish up if you want to. Matt scanned through the papers and signed them in his own signature. He recognised the pattern. The way he twirled the “n” at the end of his surname. He recognised loads of patterns but realised that he still had no idea who he was or where exactly he came from and that’s when doubt crept into his pattern filled head. “I … are you sure that I’m ready to go out?” he asked holding on to the papers.

“I don’t know enough, all I have in my head is a bunch of information that makes no sense to me.” Matt heard the pathetic tone of his voice.”

“That’s exactly why we are taking you out Matt.” Mrs walker replied in a honest voice. “Once you find yourself in the world outside you’ll start to put the pieces together!”

“Are you sure?” Matt wanted to know, looking at her with honest eyes.

“We’ll only know once we’ve tried, won’t we.” She said.

11.

Matt heard the knock at his door and stared into the eyes of his chaperone. Matt felt tense and anxious, but he wanted to go. He knew it would be the only route to recovery. Although he was getting use to this weird life he was living, he wanted to get out. He wanted to experience what he had been experiencing all his life. He was one of the few people who could look forward to doing it all again. He wanted to experience his old life. He didn’t care if it might have been sad or complicated; he just wanted to be normal again. He just wanted to be able to have an opinion, to be sure what he stood for, to know what he believed in.

“Hey, I’m Julian. I hope we’ll have some fun out today.” Julian smiled with his kind eyes. He looked like a free spirited traveller like most of the volunteers around here. He had long blond hair, with a headband keeping it from hanging in front of his eyes. He was skinny, but looked healthy and most importantly he looked happy and free. Matt took a liking in him instantly and started to look forward to the day out even more.

Matt closed the door of his room as he stepped into the corridor. Julian waited for him to walk besides him. Matt enjoyed the idea of not following someone to somewhere again, but instead walking beside someone like a normal person and not a patient.

“So how are you finding this place then? Julian asked looking into Matt’s eyes. He had a funny grin-like smile that formed little inverted “c’s” at corners of his mouth.

“I am making progress, so I am looking forward to getting out of here as soon as possible.” Matt sounded optimistic and enjoyed telling Julian that he was making progress.

“How do you feel about your recovery? Are you excited?” Julian looked at him adjusting his headband.

“I am really excited to get things back to normal, you know?”

Back to normal? Julian asked, he stopped suddenly and went on one knee to tie his shoelace that came undone. “Why on earth would you want to do that?” Don’t you think you have an excellent opportunity to really find out what’s going on in the world?”

Matt looked at him. “What do you mean?”

Julian took his time before he answered. He held open one of the firedoors for Matt and waited.

“Well, don’t you think you are one of the lucky one’s to actually have the chance to find out everything according to your own terms?”

“Matt interrupted him. “I don’t even know who I am so how can I know what my own term are?”

“Excactly, you don’t know who you are. You have now restrictions. You have no conditioned state?”

“Conditioned state?” Matt asked.

“Yeah man. You know, most of the stuff you learn when you are young comes form the people and the structures around you! People around you tells you stories and stuff they believe to be true. You don’t really find out things for yourself.”

Matt looked at him. Trying to figure out where he was going with this.

“Look at this”, Julian continued. Everybody at one point or another tries to find out what the truth of this life is, but they are restricted by so many things. So many barriers keep them from even getting anywhere near to whatever the truth may be!”

“What kind of barriers?” Matt asked

“You know, religion, race, language, stereotypical thinking... all that stuff, incorrect information. They prevent you from thinking man. They prevent you from finding out stuff that’s real for you.”

“But who says that information is incorrect? How would I ever know what is correct information and what is not.” Matt wanted to sound clever.

“You can’t really. You can only trust your common sense, but here’s your deal. You don’t have to figure it out, because you can’t remember shit anyway. Your head isn’t filled with stereotypical prejudices. You can’t even remember what happened to you. Let alone what religion you are or what’s your favourite colour. You are free to make up your own mind. You have been stripped from all the false information the world has to offer. You are only left with your common sense to judge what you believe to be true or not.”

Julian opened the front door of the building by swiping his security card through the yellow reader. The door’s swung open releasing Matt and Julian into the world. Matt felt the cold breeze wiping across his face. A refreshing sensation.

“Why do you think all the information we receive are false though? Why can’t it be the truth?”

Julian looked at him. “Do you smoke?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” Matt said, cracking a bit of a smile.

Julian took a cigarette from the pack of Lucky Strike cigarettes. He lit it and took a drag or two before speaking again. “Because the truth hurts. It hurts like shit.”

Matt looked at the smoke that was boiling from his lips. It vanished into the cold air. “In is in our nature to try and not to experience pain. You know? We avoid pain in order to survive. When we are hungry we eat. When we thirsty we drink. When we are in danger we avoid those situations. When something hurts, we try to shape it and bend it until it doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s like taking a painkiller for a headache. When you the pill start take affect we believe that the problem is gone, but it isn’t. The problem that causes the headache is stil very much alive, it’s just the affects of the pill that numbs us to not experience the headache, but it’s still there though. And it’s the same with truth. It hurts. So we numb ourselves with illusions or lies about the world so that it suits us and make the pain go away. We start to believe these lies and start to live them. Everything we are taught from birth are part of this illusion.”

Julian took another drag of his cigarette. “And that’s why you asked me to...” Julian paused putting out his Cigarette.

“Right let’s get going.” He said without continuing.

“Why did I asked you for what? Matt asked.

“Don’t worry about it.” Julian opened the door of the white van. It was blank. It had no hospital signs on it. Matt was glad.

12.

“So how does it feel to be free?” Julian asked as he battled with the heavy gearstick.

Matt looked at him with a blank expression on his face. “Free? Is there something wrong with you? I’m not free. I’m stuck in a big pile of nothingness. I will only be free when I know what’s going on. Who I am. What’s important in life.”

Julian looked at him. “And how are you going to find out what’s important in life?”

Matt was a bit stunned. “Aren’t you suppose to be helping me? You know with this reference point exercises?

“No I am not. You are suppose to help yourself. On you rown terms. I’m just giving you a lift.” Julian started to laugh.

“It really stripped you blank man. I never thought it would work as well as it did.” Julian looked straight at Matt.

“You really don’t recognize me?”

“Am I suppose to recognize you? What’s going on here?”

Matt tried to see through Julian, but he was a closed book with a few loose pages sticking out from the side.

“Don’t worry about it.” Julian replied. He flicked the cigarette pack so that one cigarette stood out above the rest. He brought the pack up to his mouth and artistically removed the cigarette with his mouth.

“Are you allowed to smoke in the van? Isn’t it against the rules?”

“Rules? What are rules?” Julian looked at him as he lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply.

“When man has no solution for a problem he creates a rule.”

Matt looked at Julian wanted to counter his every word. He found this urge to counter Julian’s certainty. But for some reason he struggled?

“That does’nt make any sense.” Matt said when he was finished thinking.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tried to figure out what was going on. Who we were. Who god was. Where god was. But ther is no man figured god. There is only love. And your love for her is the only thing that lead you back to your memories. Your true self. Because we are all love and love is the only gateway to everything. We try to put ourselves in little boxes and we try to define god. But we try to define something that is in ourselves. That is part of ourselves. Love is everything, God is love. We are all pieces of love and love is the energy that can not be destroyed or created we are all love!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Nimf

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Tweestryd

Tweestrydt

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